MZone Art History: Mona Lisa After One Semester at Ohio State

The MZone isn't just about crass, low-brow humor. Far from it. We also seek to enlighten. Case in point, the inaugural edition today of a new feature we like to call MZone Art History.

Enjoy. Learn. Laugh.

Why getting married in The Big House is a bad idea

On the face of it, it sounds like an awesome idea: you can now tie the knot at The Big House.  Say "I do" right on the giant block 'M' at the 50.

Sure, it's a little pricey - $6K for a one hour ceremony on the field, $9K to use the big Jack Roth Stadium Club for the reception.  Then again, you ain't exactly renting a Ramada Inn ballroom, either.

For diehard Michigan fans, what could be better, right?

But in the words of Lee Corso, "Not so fast, my friend."

Why, you ask?  Simple math.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, in some cases), something like 50% of marriages end in divorce.  One out of two. And when one is divorced, quite often things that remind one of the ol' ex or The Day That Wasn't Meant To Be aren't, shall we say, a good thing.

Which means, if you bleed Maize and Blue and get married at The Big House, there's a 50/50 chance that, one day, sitting in the Hole that Yost Dug could be bring up memories as painful as watching a U-M coach sing Josh Groban tunes at the football banquet.  Just walking inside the gates at Stadium and Main could, conceivably, bring about the same sense of dread once reserved for settling in to witness one of Gerg's 3-3-5 defensive cluster fucks flailing around on the field.

Think about it.

When you watch a Michigan tailback tear off a 52-yard TD run into the south endzone, do you want to celebrate along with him?  Or do you want to be reminded that he's being mobbed by his teammates in the exact same spot that your former sister-in-law with the overly loud laugh kept making snide remarks about the best man following the ceremony?

When the drum major bends all the way back like he does during The Victors, do you want to marvel at his flexibility, or be reminded of your ex-wife's - which she's now sharing with that guy "Blaine" from Facebook who she swore was "just a co-worker?"

When a roar goes up in The Big House, do you really want to hear her attorney's voice informing you that your ex will now be living in your house?

Look, I'm not unromantic, I'm a realist.  Here to help you, the MZone reader, keep your love of Michigan football untarnished.  Pure.  Scar-free.  Because that's what I do, people - I give.  I give so one day you don't detest that which you love most.

So, is it really worth the risk?

You're welcome.

P.S.  Need the number for the Ramada Inn?

Keep it pure

The Most Interesting (Michigan) Man in the World

Several months ago I started thinking about an idea for another MZone video.  Unfortunately, life intervened and I never got around to it.

But, last week, our friend Dave at Maize n Brew did a piece that inspired me to finish the darn thing.

So MZone Motion Picture Corp, in association with I Need To Stop Wasting Valuable Productive Time Making These Things When I Should Be Working, presents...

The Most Interesting (Michigan) Man in the World

(HT: CadillacMatt95 for the music)

The Wonderful World of Tressel presents Vestocchio

MZone Family Films, in association with the Wonderful World of Tressel, is proud to present the timeless animated classic...VESTOCCHIO.

Shot in stunning blogovision, Vestocchio tells the story of a 1-AA coach who dreamt of becoming big time coach.  But he was done in by his wooden ethics.

So sit back, relax and share the magic of...

VESTOCCHIO!

The Best of Tresselgate

In the wake of Ohio State coach Jim Tressel's quitting before he got fired resignation, we put a few of our favorite posts about the scandal in one convenient place for all your linkage needs.

You're welcome.

Sincerely,

The MZone

SCRIPT O-LIE-O!

TRESSELGATE DOUBLE FEATURE

And back for a special return engagement:

TRESSEL-I-AM

Two weeks ago - before Yahoo! Sports posted a story claiming that Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel knew about Buckeye players trading merchandise for free tattoos more than eight months before the school said it was made aware of the allegations - The Vest was photographed reading Dr. Seuss books to a group of school children in Ohio:

Well, in light of the recent allegations in C-bus, may we suggest the following for The Vest's next reading to the kids:

 An excerpt:

We looked!
Then we saw him step in on the mat!
We looked!
And we saw him!
Terrelle and his tats!
And he said to us,
"Why do you sit there like that?
I know it is wet
And the sun is not sunny.
But we can have lots of fun
Lots of fun with booster money!"


"I know some good bars to go to,"
Said the QB.
"We can drive in the new car
The new car dealer just loaned me!
We will take the car, take the car out for a ride.
My coach
Does not care, so I have nothing to hide!"


Then Sally and I
Did not know what to say.
But Terrelle said Coach Tressel
Would look the other way.


But our fish said, "No! No!
Make Terrelle go away!
Tell that Cat with the Tats
You do NOT want to play.
He should not be here,
He should be on probation!
He should be suspended
With the rest of Buckeye Nation!"


"Now! Now! Have no fear.
Have no fear!" said the QB
"I won't get caught
Since my coach just ignores me.
Why, we can have
Lots of fun doing my thing
With a game that I call
Selling my championship ring!"

An excerpt:

I do not like the game's laws and its rules
I do not like them, they're only for fools
I did not like them during the days of Clarett
I do not like them nor have been busted just yet
I let Terrelle Pryor get his free tats
Then claimed, "Oh, I did not know about that!"
I do not like the rules they have about class
The N-C-A-A can kiss my Vest-wearing ass
I do not like the rules out on the field
And if we get busted, I'll surely appeal
I do not like the rules here in the 'Shoe
And our fans do not care as long as I beat the Blue
I do not like rules here or there
I do not like them ANYWHERE!


REDLINED FIRST DRAFT OF OSU LETTER TO NCAA

Yesterday, we printed in full Ohio State's letter to the NCAA regarding Tresselgate.   Since then, portions of an earlier draft of the letter have been leaked.  Initially, in addition to missing the first two games of the 2011 season and paying a $250,000 fine, Ohio State officials considered banning Coach Jim Tressel from spring practice and summer camps.

And that's not the only shocker.

In the MZone exclusive below, we have obtained a copy of the heavily edited rough draft of the last "Conclusion" paragraph of that letter.  As you'll discover, significant changes were made before it was submitted.

The institution was wondering when the other shoe was gonna fall regarding the charade that is Cheaty McSweaterVest.  How the hell it took this long is beyond us is very surprised and disappointed in Coach Tressel's lack of action in this matter.  His behavior in this situation is par for the course out of character from him and is contrary to his proven history of saying one thing in those bullshit self-righteous books he pawns while doing another behind the scenes of promoting an atmosphere of NCAA compliance within the football program.  Since this shit has been going on ever since his hiring as the head football coach in 2001 (i.e. Maurice Clarett, Troy Smith, etc.), he and his staff have ignored attended the NCAA rules education sessions on a consistent basis, regularly made up sought interpretations, and self-reported an almost laughably huge fuckload of nearly 400 secondary violations.  His lack of truthfulness action in this matter appears to have been the result of thinking he was above the rules and wouldn't get caught as usual indecisiveness regarding the appropriate actions to take in this specific situation in which he was placed if you can even begin to wrap your head around what a huge set of stones it took to even try to pass that nonsense off as a plausible excuse, as opposed to a blatant disregard of NCAA legislation stretching back to his Youngstown State days.  Nevertheless, we recognize that because he wins a lot of games and beats Michigan, we look the other way when we can and offer the insulting slap on the wrist punishment in this letter now  that he should have forwarded this information in some manner to appropriate institutional officials.  With the exception of this mistake that you know about, he is a man  of integrity and high moral standards if you set the bar somewhere between, say, Pete Carroll and the SMU program during the Eric Dickerson years. 

This institution really hopes you'll buy the ginormous load of horse shit in this letter in the same way you shockingly believed the whole 'Cam Newton didn't know' steaming pile appreciates the cooperation of your staff in this inquiry.

Suckers, Sincerely,

Larry Gordon Gee, President

Moe John Bruno, Faculty Athletics Representative

Curly Gene Smith, Director of Athletics

cc: The assclown who tried to fuck with The Game 

    Mr. James E. Delany

Script O-lie-o

(from MZone wire reports)  Columbus, OH - The Ohio State Marching Band (otherwise known as The Best Damn Band in Central Ohio!) will be adding a new formation this fall in honor of Tresselgate and The Vest's ever-evolving story on the matter.

Below, the MZone has obtained an exclusive picture of what it will look like.

In addition, each game a famous "miscommunicator" will be on hand in the 'Shoe to "dot the lie."  For the home opener this season, since Tressel himself won't be available, the school is in negotiations with the father of that "missing" balloon boy kid to do the honors.